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“I think that what sucks is that because we’re single, we think that we’re broken.” That’s a text I sent a girlfriend of mine. Remember when I promised to be raw and real here all the way back to my original blog?! So here I am. Definitely raw and unapologetically real. Dating has felt exhausting lately. I was briefly dating someone for a few months, which was the first person I really dated since my last relationship. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the right fit at all. Instead of lifting me up, it brought me down. Instead of taking a break after it ended, I went straight back to the dating apps. I am disappointed and I’m not going to apologize for it anymore.
I want to feel. I want to feel it all. The butterflies and tingly feeling. I don’t want to be scared that I’m feeling all the feels for the wrong person. In fact, I’m barely feeling any feels for anyone – see the disappointment I just mentioned above.
Then we have countless texts, phone calls, brunches, dinners, and drinks with girlfriends where we talk about all of this at length. We so often assume that something is wrong with us. Why don’t I feel anything for this guy? That guy is so good on paper, but why don’t I want to go out with him again? I’m in an interesting place of being perpetually disappointed – and so are a lot of my friends. We end up blaming ourselves. We feel that all of our issues are the reason why we’re single when meanwhile, everyone in relationships have their own issues too.
These guys aren’t it. I’m disappointed because I don’t fit with any of them. I’ve had relationships and I will have another one – hopefully the last one I need for a while. Yes, I’m a realist – not a cynic and not jaded, just realistic that forever is not guaranteed. People grow and change. Relationships evolve – they ebb and flow. I’m ebbing and flowing. Right now, I’m in a phase where I’m just not feeling it. It’s somewhat nice to be in control and not get my feelings hurt all the time anymore, but it’s also sort of freaking me out! When will I feel something again?! I want that magic!
So here I am, deciding to take a break from the dating apps. There just doesn’t seem to be realness and the potential of any magic on there. I vibe and connect with people in real life all the time. Let me sit with that for a while. Because you see, I’m done blaming myself. I’ve done so much work. Years of therapy, current therapy, loads of books, and tons and tons of discussions. So I’m done for now. I’m going to breathe and focus on what makes me happy. I’m going to continue my comedy and my hustle while spending time with family and friends that I love. If some magical guy walks into a room I’m in, I’ll notice. I promise you that I’ll realize. Because I’m not broken. I’m just tired. And sometimes you just have to take a step back, breathe deeply, reset your system, and walk on the damn street into real life to get your magic.
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