Bar Mitzvah FAQ

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Here’s some Jewish Bar Mitzvah humor for you this Monday! Why do people ask so many damn questions?! Well, here’s how they should be answered!

It seems a lot of you have questions.  How is that possible?!  I don’t know!  But here are the answers to your questions:

Am I invited to the kids party? 

Probably not!  Sorry to burst your bubble, but unless you’re a kid who attends school with the bar mitzvah boy or is friends with him, the answer is no.  Do you, a 45-year old mother of 3, really want to spend your Saturday night with a bunch of hormone filled kids?! I didn’t think so.  Please, make some better plans for your Saturday night.

What is a gala kiddush? 

Who knows?! I certainly don’t!  But we sat around kibbitzing and figured, well, it’s not an “only a little kugel” kiddush so what the hell?! Let’s get crazy!  IT’S A GALA KIDDUSH! But if you need further clarification because we all know that you do (I’m talking to you my neurotic Jewish friend in the corner), it is not sit down and there are no place cards.

Do I need to make lunch plans after your gala kiddush? 

Well, that depends.  Are you just a Jew? Or a Jewy Jew Jew?  How hungry are you?! Do you normally go to catered events and act like you’ve never seen food before?!  Well, listen, this is just a good old-fashioned open house.  Come and stay a few hours or just stop by for 20 minutes.  Feel free to make yourself at home or get the move on lady because we’re celebrating a bar mitzvah here!

Can I bring my entire family to the gala kiddush? 

You must be joking.  You don’t even want to be around your entire family on Shabbat.  Well neither do we!  Seriously, the town has limited us to a 30×30 tent.  Let’s err on the side of caution and assume that we don’t want to eat lunch with your children just like you don’t.   If you still have any doubt…..put on those reading glasses and reread the front of the envelope on the email of your paperless post invite.

Really, I love you all, I promise!

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